The sweetest/saddest of the goodbyes

He was rationally desperate…obviously. The opportunity, the small chance of being with her was further away than he thought he was…far away. Even knowing that, he tried hard to think in a way, any way, of getting back what he loved the most at that time…

She agreed on meeting him, but under her conditions of course. A public place. Somewhere where she could feel safe enough. Safe of his charm, of his touch, his kisses…safe enough to keep been brave and strong. To keep following this invisible rule she put in her head of not continuing with this.

They met in the middle point between their houses. A park in a perfect English day (cloudy, grey as it suppose to be).¬†After the typical “Hello, how you doing…” with the certain knowledge they both were feeling dark, deep inside, they walk a bit over the park, agreeing on sitting in an old big trunk. He wrote for her…he wrote all his thoughts and feelings and put them in the right order for her to understand. He tried to explain her that, as everyone, he committed mistakes, and he was going to put all he has left to correct them and make the things better…but it was useless. She was firm and stood on her position. Ice cold. Admirable…you need courage to be like that with someone you loved/love very much.

He understood…he backed up and, beside being on her position to see the things from a different perspective many times before, this time he understood. There was absolutely nothing he could do for now…nothing. Not for now, not for an undetermined period of time…so he stopped the conversation right there. It didn’t really worth it. It was a waste of time. Dead end.

I don’t think neither of them realize when the subject changed. Two persons, sitting side to side…two souls trying not to break the link that kept them together for almost a year. Two scared beings, conscious of what was coming and kind of frozen in order to make it last a bit longer…

He asked her about how she was really feeling. Clouds…the same perception he had have for a couple of months. She was not all right…many unanswered questions about what she really wanted. Questions that, day after day, were digging a hole deep inside of her. He hugged her. He saw her lost and, beside the sour moment they both were going trough, he offered her a warm little spot where she could do whatever she wanted…a safe spot.

Since they broke up (about a week or so ago) they were living their own personal nightmare. By their own. Dealing  with this on their way.

He has a self-destructive behaviour. Demons from the past followed him forever and he couldn’t get rid of them. He learned to face the problems in a logical way but with the back of his head completely populated of darkness. In the moments of clarity he had (if there was some), when the tears were dry enough, he explore the deepest of his brain, trying to find the right idea and make her think twice what she already decided. Poor fool…poor little bastard.

She in the other hand, was a young lady with everything in front of her still. Beside the pain, beside crying for long, beside she still loving him, she knew that this was over and that everything would be all right after a while. Strong 25 year old woman. Also, she felt that he had many expectations of this relationship…expectations that she couldn’t accomplish, at least for now.

Thirty minutes sitting in that trunk made them realize that they were opening their hearts to each other again in a cautious way. Now they both knew the end was knocking at the door so there was nothing to lose…so they hugged…and they cried in silence. The heat coming out from that hug was tremendously beautiful. There is not a way to put with words that feeling.

“You know what?” he said, “I think we should go for a drink!”. She looked at him and said “I don’t think that’s a good idea…”, and he answered “Babe…maybe this is the last time we see each other. We lived a lot together. We shared a lot. Let’s share a last sweet eve rather than leaving with a sour taste in our mouths”. She looked again at him and without saying a word agreed. He saw it…on her eyes.

They went into a pub not far away from where they were. On their way there, he offered her (like in the old times) his arm for her to hook into it. Maybe was a millisecond of hesitation on her, but no more than that. She liked that…he liked that. When they got to the emptiest pub of southern England, they ordered two Southern Comfort with lime and went to the beer garden to smoke a cigarette. Alone, they shared some timid jokes here and there and look intermittently, to each others eyes, and to the empty beer garden. They hold hands…they kissed…they cried…they loved for a last time. She even said that this was the first moment of peace she was enjoying since they broke up. Comfortable.

He suggested to watch a movie and sleep together but that was obviously too much. It was dangerous and probably would make everything twice as painful as it was (if that’s even possible). Again the brave warrior inside of her came up…and he agreed with her on not doing it, even when he would give the rest of his life for a last 12 hours-hug…

So instead, and worried of when was the perfect timing to head different ways, they went dinner. The last push…the end was there, waiting for them in a corner near by, two streets away. While they enjoyed their halloumi burgers he said something…”If you ever want to settle down and be with a good man, someone who cares and that would give his life to save yours…someone whom really love you, please, just let me know”. He has tears on his eyes while was saying this, and she did too…”If that ever happens, you would be my first pick.” she said…

They left the restaurant…they walked holding tight against each other, looking at the pavement, smoking their respective cigarettes. When they got to the corner that split streets and worlds in this case, they melted…they melted into one being for the last time. Their lips became one…their tears…so intensive. Something that probably they’ve never experience before.

Finally, they let each other go. Many times they look into each others silhouette walking away…he even tried to go back all cover in tears to give her the last hug, the last kiss…the last “I love you”…and they walked in different directions with their hearts broken in pieces, knowing the uncertainty of what was coming after this. The uncertainty of that love…

And this was the sweetest/saddest of the goodbyes…hopefully one day they have the chance of live again that love…we will see if is separated or together.